Q: I’m considering divorce. Not because I want to, just because marital repair may be too far of a reach. In a nutshell: 1) My husband is an alcoholic x 18 years, 2) I caught him having an affair over a year ago (I was pregnant at the time). He rekindled the flame he had before we met. Says he pursued her & doesn’t know why. Says he fell in love with her. And distressed for months after ending it because he missed her. 3) Different sexual drives–he will let 1-2 weeks go by before attempting to have sex with me, 3) His multiple lies and deception evolving around the affair, that’s over (so he says), have left me with distrust and disrespect towards him. 4) I don’t feel he desires me. I am 100 pounds overweight. He’s only dated slender women before. However, I was about the same weight when he married me. Sex between us was fine, until after the affair. Now it’s different. I’ve forgiven, but I can’t forget. He says the affair is over, but he doesn’t make sexual advances toward me like a ‘normal man would’. What do you think is going on? Is he possibly still holding a torch for his old flame & continuing the affair? Does he not have the sexual desire for me? Is he caught up in his alcoholism? Is there any hope in saving this marriage? Why did he rekindle that relationship only 2 months after we got married, things (so, I thought, were going great? When they were in a relationship, she always said no to sex with him, but after we got married, she let him have her whenever he wanted, why is that?? Help me please…I’m hurting inside.
A: Sunni. I’m sorry but your prospects are not good. Your distrust in him sounds well-founded since you say that there were multiple lies and deception evolving around the affair. A person’s integrity does not change quickly and, with active alcoholism, usually don’t change at all. The loss of sexual desire after marriage is a common phenomenon and is unlikely to be a direct result your husband’s alcoholism. It is more likely related to your evolving roles within the marriage. These changes may have resulted in his experiencing some loss of autonomy with less psychological separateness from you. We can’t know for sure but that is the leading cause for such displacement of sexual interest. – Bryce Kaye