Lisa from Marlboro, Ma.: Husband Lying About Porn Sites (Q & A)

Dr. Bryce Kaye gives advice to a wife whose husband is frequenting and lying about porn sites.Q:  Hi, my husband is lying about porn sites he visits on the internet.   Last year alone he downloaded 180 files.  A few were dating services.  He claims that the porn site must have accidently entered him there. He has received massages from different woman out of state. He lied about that until I called them. When I was in the hospital having our baby he went home and looked at porn. He still lies about, says I am crazy and just looking for things to aggravate myself, and that I am not happy until I make myself miserable. I called the porn co. and they gave me his user name, which is our baby son’s nickname. That hurt.  When I asked him he said the porn site made a mistake and he never entered that porn site, when I have the proof that he did. I am hurt.    I have been sleeping on the couch for almost three months because of this. We have been married for 15 years w/ 4 children. He absolutely refuses to go to therapy and claims the last time we went, it did not help.

My question, is why does he lie about it.  I think because he feels shameful. I told him it is not necessarily the ACT but the LIE, that it is killing me. I cannot eat, sleep, think straight, etc. Please help, I would greatly appreciate it. Sincerely, Lisa

A:  Lisa.  You can be helped best by going to www.sanon.org which is the website for family members of sexual addicts.  When you get to the site, try to track down where there’s an actual meeting near you.  Start going to them.  Your husband lying about porn sites suggests that he has a strong compulsion.  Since you’re emotionally involved with him, you will be infected by his shame.  You are more probably right about his shame than you realize.  However, you’re probably not as aware of the amount of shame that you are having to carry because of his compulsion.  Get help at S-Anon and good luck. – Bryce Kaye

For information about Helen and Bryce’s Love Odyssey marriage retreats visit http://www.odysseymarriageretreats.com  where the strategy behind these couples retreats  is described in detail.

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