Q: I have been married now for 11 years. My husband then said if he ever dies he wanted to be in my arms while having intercourse. Know it sounds really bizarre but now his sexual attraction and our sex life have gone down the tubes. You probably have heard it all. He has been acting different and I cannot even stimulate him orally! He was so sexual but now if may be once every 2 weeks and that is like a wing and a prayer just to get him there. At time he goes soft while inside me. That really hurts! Just need answers?
A: Jan, the answers are most likely in his head and we can’t read it from here. There are a number of possibilities. The worst and most remote is that he is having an affair. He could have diabetes. He could be having job stress or depression that’s killing his sexual attraction. However, the most frequent cause of this kind of problem is that the partner has used passive defenses in the relationship by sucking in resentments and not speaking up enough. As that happens, the person gradually becomes more and more avoidant in the relationship. He or she becomes focused on what he or she “should” do to not get in trouble and upset the other partner. That defensive orientation kills sexual attraction over time.
Jan, there’s no way of knowing from a distance which cause is eroding his sexual attraction to you. There’s a good chance that HE doesn’t know what’s causing it. I suggest you ask him first whether he‘s been hiding any resentments instead of speaking up. He may have an assertiveness problem. You can also ask if he would be willing to go to a marriage and family counselor with you – not to fix a sexual problem but rather to find out what feelings are turning him off. He probably won’t approach it as a problem with his sex. Men don’t like to even consider the possibility of weakness. However, it’s best if you define it as trying to free him from whatever turnoff his taking down his enjoyment. That might be less threatening to him. Good luck. – Bryce Kaye