10 Relationship Competence Traits – Bryce Kaye

Over the past 35 years, I have seen thousands of couples.  I thought it might be useful to list out the personal traits of the most successful and competent coupes that I’ve seen.  They s Add Mediaeem to have the following characteristics.  Let me know what you all think.

1) Heterocentric perspectiveThe person intuitively weighs the best balance of welfare among competing interests.  The person is concerned for the other person but also for his or her own self as well as the overall relationship. The person doesn’t just consider self alone (narcissism) or just consider the partner alone (codependent self-sacrifice). 

2) Future welfare is prioritized over immediate comfortThe person is willing to sacrifice the immediate emotional relief that derives from regressive behavior (e.g. blaming, attacking, raging, lying, hiding etc.) and instead promotes and protects the future relationship.  The person uses self-discipline to tolerate temporary discomfort in order to do this. 

3) Truth is prioritized over appearance and prideThe person is willing to tolerate the shameful discomfort that accompanies exposing truth about his or her own limitations.  The person practices healthy humility for the sake of truth.  When the person makes a mistake, “loses it”, behaves irresponsibly, etc. the person admits it and takes responsibility.  Because the person values truth so highly, he or she is welcomes outside information to help the relationship.  The relationship is an “open system.” 

4) Autonomous persistence The person behaves constructively and works at cultivating the relationship even when the partner misbehaves irresponsibly.  The person doesn’t base their self-discipline on whether or not the partner “is trying too.”  The person’s behavior is motivated by his/her desire for personal integrity.

5) Mindfulness of state The person is able to notice more than the content of conversations.  The person notices the background moods occurring in both self and the partner.. The person gauges when the background mood states are conducive for productive communication (e.g. Is the person or the partner too angry to engage in a constructive conflict?)    

6) Pro-active creativity The person comes up with his or her own ideas about how to share positive experiences with the partner.  The person makes suggestions and invites the partner to share fun in different ways.  The person doesn’t just wait for the partner to arrange the common agenda.

7) Willingness to risk exposure The person is willing to share his or her internal truths with the partner.  The person discloses his or her more vulnerable feelings such as fear, shame, desire and wonder in addition to less vulnerable feelings such as anger and frustration.

8) Liberated curiosity The person is able to stop being task-focused or defensive and periodically shares wonder, curiosity and uncertainty in the moment.

9) Long-term view The person considers the long-term effects of their own emotionally driven behavior before acting or reacting.  The person’s intuitive wisdom checks impulses to either act out or to hide that would eventually lead to damage or imbalance in the relationship.  The person’s intuition creates a model of the probable future world(s) depending on what he or she will do.     

10) Realistic expectationsThe person avoids magical expectations of quick change or fairytale expectations of a perfect partner.  The partner’s acceptance of the partner’s imperfection, negative feeling states and slow emotional change actually protects the relationship from toxic shame.  The partner accepts that changing emotionally driven behavior involves time and only gradual results.  Realistic expectations prevent an overwhelming amount of frustration and anger.

Copyright Bryce Kaye 2011

For information about Helen and Bryce’s Love Odyssey marriage retreats visit http://www.odysseymarriageretreats.com  where the strategy behind these couples retreats  is described in detail.


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