Q: My husband and I have been married for 6 months. I am 19 and he is 20. I think he’s gay or something. About two weeks ago he asked me to have a threesome. But instead of with another woman he wanted to have one with another man involved. At first I thought he was kidding, but yesterday when I got home from work I caught him using my vibrator. I’ll spare you the details. I don’t know what to do. I tried confronting him about it but I just don’t know what exactly to tell him.
A: Mageta. It’s less about what you will tell him than seeing if you can listen to him. I would suggest that you suppress your outrage to ask him about his secret fantasy life. It sounds like you might be right about his having homosexual fantasies. This doesn’t necessarily mean the end unless he becomes compulsive and acts out. The other question is whether or not he can be sufficiently turned on by the female sex. You already have the best evidence about whether or not this is true. Many people feel sexual attraction toward both sexes but are able to live within a monogamous relationship. Can he? Could you accept that he has sexual attraction to men very much like many husbands still feel sexual attraction towards other women. The point I’m making is that feelings are one thing while behavior is another. Does he cross the line into lying, deceit, and other indications of an underlying compulsion. Mageta, you have a lot to find out but you had best calm down first so that he’s willing to talk with you. Good luck. – Bryce Kaye